I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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