Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
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She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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