Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
