Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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