Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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