while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
