hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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