I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
