i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
