I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
