I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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