mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
