Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
