3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos