Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
