I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
