Ketchup is God's man juice
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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