Your tits are I can't wait for
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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