Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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