Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.