If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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