please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
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There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...