I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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