Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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