Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
areolas are like halos for boobs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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