She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
