what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You smell like stripper and shame
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
