There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
