remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are we still banned from the library?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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