I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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