So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
