I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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