I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
