If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
