pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
