Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
