it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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