he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
