so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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