i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
