R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
