when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
