So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
