im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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