Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You ruined the universe
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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