we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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