i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
