So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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