u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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