his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
