Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
