glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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