i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.