News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time