When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night