I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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