She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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