oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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