Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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