Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
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its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.