So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs