remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Randomize
